Laboring under an Illusion
Labor Day was not going well.
Waking up had been difficult. I arose at 6am for my regular every-2-days workout, and my back ached. I also had little time to get to my cashier job at the Willy Street Co-op. My usual Saturday shift may be 12 to 8 pm, but low-seniority newbies had to work holidays, and I was slated for 8 am to 3 pm.
Arriving, and doing the “produce walk” to check on new PLU codes for any items that had come in, I was also looking to supplement my caffeine intake.
“Here”, said Ali (name changed to protect the innocent), “Try this. It’s Kombucha. This one has caffeine.”
Ali was right…this drink was delicious! “Wow, it’s like soda pop, and…the fizz?”
“Sure”, replied Ali. “It’s fermented”.
I froze as she left. Fermentation means alcohol.
I’m an alcoholic.
I had drunk alcohol.
My slight pain from working out, and the rush of getting to an early shift, was now compounded by a symbolic personal violation of the worst kind. I had ceremoniously, and with great internal fanfare, quit both the smoking of cigarettes and the drinking of alcohol just before midnight, Christmas, 2018. I had now rendered myself impure. I was tainted. What was I going to do?
Nothing. I was going to do nothing. This had been, after all, a mistake, not a voluntary “falling off the wagon”. Drinking alcohol voluntarily was never going to happen, ever again. Besides, Kombucha has but trace amounts; symbolism more than reality was working on my mind. I sighed, and raising my hand to log into my cashier station, I instantly forgot about back pain or drinking.
My ring finger was bare.
I had lost my wedding ring.
No, Labor Day was not going well, I had decided.
Decided? But, hadn’t things happened that had caused me to become weary, then anxious, then depressed?
That is one way of looking at things. However, years ago I had adopted a different perspective. By “decide” I meant within the framework of being “a Stoic”, or rather, attempting to comport myself as one.
However, I was willing this day to suck.
In the immediate aftermath of events, it wasn’t working.
I have great admiration for the Hellenistic philosophy of Stoicism.1 I have a "Stoic App" on my phone, and Marcus Aurelius makes regular visits to my Facebook feed. This philosophy says the highest good is Virtue, and that this is based on Knowledge. Wise people strive to live in harmony with Reason and Nature. Ethically, there are 4 cardinal “virtues”; Wisdom, Courage, Justice, and Temperance. All people are manifestations of the “universal spirit”, and people should “follow where reason leads”.
So, observing the conditions of the day, I chose to see with eyes of anxiety, not eyes of calm. In Stoicism you are responsible for your actions, and that includes thinking. No one ever “makes” you depressed or happy. Presented with a situation, how you react is entirely on you.
Suffice it to say, the words of Stoicism are, perhaps like The Bible, a longitudinally collated collection of human wisdom and folly. This is before we even consider metaphysics, where Stoicism departs from the personalized deity of the Abrahamics and is more akin to Hindu cosmology, both per recollection and the aforementioned reference.
Thus, one finds Stoicism can be just as fantastical as other philosophies or religions; that is, some stuff is simply hard to “reckon” with one’s life, or life in general. Deciding that one is always “choosing” one’s perspective on life can be challenged with examples of profound and undeserved human suffering. Was Stoicism nothing more than, “Suck it up, Buttercup”? Perhaps.
By my reckoning, experience can dictate experience. This is not to say that Free Will2 does not exist, but even if it doesn't, perhaps it is a lie that adds value if believed, like thinking a porcupine can throw its quills. After all, our justice system is based on Free Will. Intent matters, whether the source is originally you or you are merely a reality pass-through.
Thus your intent, whether truly yours or a reflection, stops with you, as “You” frames “Your Reality”. This explains my attraction to Stoicism: it is about taking ownership, or responsibility, of and for one’s life. You might as well take that responsibility; illusory as our own control over ourselves seems sometime, it is bedrock compared to the mirage of control we have over another, any semblance being fleeting at best.
My failure to be a Stoic, much less act stoically, is likely a result of the normal human baggage any person brings along with him or herself in life, combined with the contradictions found within the belief system itself, though some of those contradictions can be intentional, like The Trinity. Reality is still complex enough to render all of us hypocrites at least once in life, or provoke wonder.
But accepting that some of Stoic philosophy is true, let us return to Labor Day, and consider. This is, after all, exactly what I did, in my mind, during the course of the day.
Did it matter I had drunk alcohol?
—No; I had decided long ago that I was done. The impetus of forces driving that decision were too strong, with no desire to overturn the decision.
Did it matter I had lost my wedding ring?
—No; my marriage was strong. I had not married a shallow woman.
So, if nothing really changes, but for a financial impact of some measure regarding ring replacement, I had no reason to “decide” to feel negative. In fact, this came after a period of reflection. Time does heal all wounds. Maybe Stoicism equals Time plus Reflection.
But, having considered the reaction, what is my lesson moving forward? Given an adverse condition, do I simply remain sanguine of my state in life, every day above ground being a good one? Is this a validation of the Stoic mindset?
I can imagine the reaction of many: you’re simply being unrealistic. You are human. Adverse conditions can do nothing but change your perspective, thus impacting your mental state.
I suppose that is true, and yet I find that each time I review and consider such events I am better informed for the next. Betterment happens. Experience can be leveraged into a continuous improvement feedback loop. Experience teaches. And if one truly is responsible for one’s actions, then one has agency.3
To have agency is to be able to make decisions and act in the world. One is not unthinking or deterministic. One can act and improve one’s life.
So, I choose to be a Stoic, because as unrealistic as it may or may not be, its demand of personal responsibility conveys a sense of human agency. I will be my own free master, not a deterministic slave.
For that, I will happily labor under an illusion.
Perhaps Labor Day was going well, after all.