It's too easy to "other" another.
‘Twas the week before Christmas, when outside the house
Someone struck the building, and it wasn’t a mouse.
It's too easy to “other” another.
By that I mean that in this maelstrom we call reality, sheer complexity can confound the best of us, never mind the worst of us. Within that maelstrom, we can be wrong.
For example, someone hit our home. I thought I knew who it was. I was wrong.
I was walking Jane to her car one Monday morning last December 18th. We walked out the front door and approached the corner of Kaiser Hall. Our building has been many things. Originally a German bath house, then the property of one Mona Webb1 and her Way House of Light2 art commune from the 1960s to the 1990s, Kaiser Hall now houses The Madison Greenhouse Store3 and 2 residential apartments. The building houses our home.
Someone had hit our home.
A car had grazed the corner. Just the outermost wood had been peeled back. Underneath looked fine, but now rain could get in.
I was unhappy.
Jane had to get to the doctor. She left, and so I proceeded to investigate. I asked The Greenhouse Store employees, but they knew nor saw nothing. I then glanced around. A nearby parked car aligned with the corner of our building. Scrapes were on the bumper. I knew the owner.
I reluctantly knocked on the door of their house.
The neighbor answered and came out. I asked if it was possible they had hit our home. Body language made words unnecessary; they looked at me, then looked down, then looked at me again. They said they had, in fact, hit our building before. They admitted to hitting it once, a gentle tap one accomplishes with one’s car when one travels at less than 1 mph. They admitted it was possible it had been struck again.
I thanked them for their honesty, and asked about insurance information. I returned inside and emailed the other owners. I then returned to collect said insurance info.
This time, they demurred.
Yes, it was true, they had hit the building before. However, this time they did not think they had struck it hard enough to do damage, if at all.
I found myself confounded.
On the one hand, they could be telling the truth. Memory is faulty. Having tapped the house before, when suddenly asked if one had struck it anew one could be led, via the mental breadcrumbs of a path previously trodden, to answer “Yes,” and be wrong. The neighbor had reflected further and swatted away faulty memories. My neighbor had not hit the building.
On the other hand, they could be mistaken. Perspective is faulty. A person with family or friends in a car can be distracted. My neighbor might have been distracted by life and hit the building.
On yet another hand, they could be lying. Humans are faulty. Taking responsibility is learned behavior, shirking it likewise. In addition, financial costs weigh on the thoughts of anyone, even those with insurance. Fear can be the result. Being fearful one withdraws, deprecating relationships with others, which is best accomplished by lying so that one can hide one’s fear. Not everyone is brave because life. My neighbor might have hit the building, been fearful, and lied.
Ignorance is like a veil over another, where one is suddenly transported to a relationship-oriented version of “Let’s Make a Deal.” I do not really know this neighbor. I found myself confounded. Were they telling the truth, mistaken, or lying?
I wanted to believe them because it’s nice when people agree on things, but then I would be back at the beginning of my search for a guilty party, and my emotions tugged at a quick solution. My memory, however, had improved in recent years,4 and I recalled how faulty my own mind had been in the past, so that part of me was cutting them some slack. Finally the cynic within reared his ugly head and reminded me of the crassness, fear, and greed of human action.
My initial reaction to the situation was unhappiness. Then I felt relief at an answer. Now I was experiencing confusion. Was my next step mistrust and anger?
I excused myself and returned to our apartment.
That departure turned out to be fortuitous. Upon returning inside I was greeted with an email from one of the other building owners. The guilty party who had struck the building over the weekend had come forward to another. Unbeknownst to me repair arrangements were already being made, and would be done before Christmas Eve.
The neighbor had told me the truth. I was grateful and relieved. Sighing, I returned downstairs to inform, and apologize. I owed them that.
The neighbor had tired of me, as disagreement is tiring, and had gone back inside. Coming back out to argue their point, my immediate apology and update to the situation halted taking that emotional path. Facing towards each other but not really looking at each other, we talked for a few minutes, mitigating confrontation through posture.
The situation resolved, we both turned and left.
And that is where things sat, until a few weeks later.
Madison was especially hit hard by an early January snow storm. It had been a light winter in terms of snow, but not the second week of January, 2024. That Tuesday wet, sloppy snow fell. I used both the electric snow shovel and steel hand shovel. The steel shovel cuts well into the ice, but then each shovelful was very heavy.
I shoveled around the neighbor’s car. I was going to let bygones be bygones, and this was my gesture. They sent me a thank you note via chat. I responded, “Of course.”
When the snow continued the next day I returned to my shoveling duties. The neighbor joined in and helped. We had light conversation.
That Saturday was the big dig-out from the snow that finished out the week. Snow that had fallen threatened to turn to ice by evening. Together, the neighbor and I made short work of that ice. A passing neighbor with a snowplow didn’t hurt.
The following week a lot had melted and the neighbor reappeared outside. Hellos returned between parties. Time was healing wounds.
Equilibrium had returned. The status quo amongst neighbors was restored.
What did I learn from this episode?
Life and people are complex. Perspective matters. There is imperfect information.
Judgements are wrong. Life is unfair. Random shit happens.
From my perspective, I was reacting to my property being injured. Something felt unfair. I thought I had found the guilty party based on their first answer. That judgement was wrong as per their second, and I paid a price.
From my neighbor’s perspective, the guy next door was suddenly accusing them of property damage when they said they hadn’t done anything. Something felt unfair. Life is unfair and they paid a price.
From both of our perspectives, knowing resolution was at hand would have been nice to know earlier, obviating my unhappiness and the neighbor’s engagement. But the building had been hit over the weekend and sometimes communication takes time. Random shit happens and we all paid a price.
In these circumstances, with conflicting interests and perspectives, it would be really easy to forget one is dealing with another person. Others are different from ourselves, of course, but now we are talking about someone going from being a neighbor to being an adversary.
It’s very easy to change one from being another to being “an Other.” All it takes is reality and emotion.
Consider:
Judgements are wrong. Life is unfair. Random shit happens.
I do not really know my neighbor. I found myself confounded. Were they telling the truth, mistaken, or lying?
My initial reaction to the situation was unhappiness. Then I felt relief at an answer. Now I was experiencing confusion. Was my next step mistrust and anger?
Human relationships are like webs of human action, interaction, and reaction. Complexity, uncertainty, and irrationality can be some of these strands. However, complexity, uncertainty, and irrationality can also be the end result of NOT traversing the web of human interaction that makes up relationships.
We traverse these webs by talking to people.
How did my neighbor and I navigate these treacherous waters?
We communicated.
We spoke. We informed. We used our body postures to mitigate tendencies toward confrontation. We worked together on shared tasks with a common goal, building comradery despite differing motivations.
All of that is communication.
Now, extrapolate this simple, interpersonal situation between 2 parties and consider this range of dynamics across our political spectrum this year for the entire population.
Now, add social media and cell phones, with their algorithmic catastrophizing and cultural compartmentalization.
Now, toss in leftovers from a plague, racial strife, cultural change, inflation, international drama, and political paralysis.
If 2 neighbors can so easily be snared in circumstances that lend themselves to misunderstanding, what do we think happens when we multiply 2 people by 170 million, with the web of possible interconnections expanding exponentially?
It’s clear what we need to do; we need to talk to each other.5
The system works, but only when you do, or rather, we do.6 As is wont in a democracy, when a population is focused and determined on a course of action for a particular matter, the government displays clarity and focus, rare though these may be. Likewise, when a population is confused and discombobulated, the body politic reflects that, too. Such is the case in The United States today. We get the politicians we deserve.
More important than learning what others know that is right, however, is learning what we know that is wrong. We learn these things by talking with people.
It would have been easy to become angry at my neighbor, to disbelieve them. Likewise, it would have been easy for my neighbor to stay angry at me, taking issue with my very questions.
So, listen to someone with whom you disagree. Listen first, then ask questions of people. Talk with people with whom you normally wouldn’t speak. I bet you’ll discover you’re both human.
Maybe someone will listen to you and ask you a question, too. When you ask a question you honor someone, because your are telling them they are important because the have something you don’t, which is an answer. This is why we talk.
We talk in search of answers, and that is good.
Why? Because it’s too easy to “other” another.